Love, Mom

I’m real proud of you for sticking out the domestic abuse your step father puts you through. Just a few more weeks until I’m put in his will.

Love, Mom

You know why your brother gets a later curfew? Because he is the kind of whore that can’t get knocked up. You on the other hand, I have to worry about.

Love, Mom

To save time and money, we’re combining your graduation party and baby shower. What kind of cake do you want?

Love, Mom

Remember when we made a deal saying you can live with us until you’re 30? Well as an early birthday present I already packed your things. Happy Birthday!

Love, Mom

It’s called “gas money” not “beer and porn money.” If you want that kind of cash, ask your dad. I am not funding your premature perversion.

Love, Mom

You always complain how you don’t have nice things. A nice car, a nice cell phone, a nice house. Well you’re not the only one who doesn’t have nice things. I have you.

Love, Mom

Most mothers don’t hear that their daughter is pregnant via a phone call from MTV. By the way the answer to have a part in 16 and Pregnant is no. We’re getting this mistake corrected.

Love, Mom

Honey, if joining the Army is your way of coming out of the closet. Save yourself the trouble. We knew you were different than most girls when we saw you had TiVo’d The L Word and found your father’s Hustler magazines under your bed.

Love, Mom

You know, most kids your age would be happy their mothers work at Chuck E. Cheese.

Love, Mom